Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Middle Wife

This came to me in an email and I about fell out of my chair laughing when I read it. I googled it just for kicks and giggles and it's been around for a few years so you might have seen it. No matter, it's still hilarious whether you've seen it before or never!

Uber Tote Keep Calm and Call The Midwife Screen Printed in Black Ink Uber Soft Cotton Canvas Tote for New Parents or Your Wonderful Midwife
UberRoom on Etsy

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best
birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years ago.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never ever place boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I am going to tell you about his birthday."

1st Birthday Boy Outfit Cake Smash Bow Tie Onesie First Birthday Shirt for Boys
Nolaonesie on Etsy

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.'" 
(Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.)
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, Oh, Oh.'" 
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. 
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car, like the Domino's man." 

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." 
(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

Cover art

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew." 
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much.)

"Then the middle wife starts saying "Push, push" and "Breathe. breathe.
They started counting, but never got past ten. Then all of a sudden, out comes my little brother."

Large Baby Boy Sleeping after Playing hard. Birthday, Baptism, Baby Shower, Cake Topper

"He was covered in yucky stuff that they said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Sharing over at Miss Jenny's for Alphabe-Thursday where we are studying the letter M
and at Grandma's Briefs for GRAND Social

(PS -- I added the pics! Links provided)



Esther Joy said...

"Kids say the darndest things"! Isn't that what Art Linkletter said?

Sarah said...

LMAO! Loved this post! Thanks for sharing. :D

Sue said...


cute post


Anonymous said...

Oh ~ this is a priceless and precious post ~ and love the photos ~ such a 'show and tell' ~ thanks, carol, xo

Memories for Life said...

Ohmygosh...too funny! My niece and nephews tell some pretty good stories too...they always crack me up. And usually it's out of left field and totally throws me by surprise!

Kc W said...

Erica's Mom needs to print this and save it for Erica when she grows up! Hysterical!

Anonymous said...

What a priceless story!

Betty Luckhurst said...

It's so great when kids just say what's in their minds! Love the cake topper too--it's just precious!

Granny-Guru said...

What a delightfully funny story. I don't know how you kept your calm while she told it. You must love your job!

Lola said...

So funny - great post!

Pride In Photos said...

Too many cute pics for the Letter "M" today...and the story...adorable.

Debbi Huntington said...

hahahaha....that is too funny.

Natashalh said...

What a funny story! I can just image a kid acting that out. It's so funny how kids will sub in words they know that sound similar to ones they don't and end up with really amusing results!

Abby / Linda said...

Awesome! Kids are so much fun, and like has previously been said: "Kids say the darndest things!"

ruthinian said...

This is hilarious. You made my day today. Thanks

pasqueflower said...

I have tears running down my cheeks as I type this!! TOO funny!!

Debra at HOMESPUN: said...

LOL ! Great M post for sure! :)

Judy Nolan said...

This is the best story I heard all week. Love it!

Blogger Broadcast said...

thanks for the laugh, that was so cute the stories.

Splendid Little Stars said...

That must have been hysterical!
I must say I'm a little jealous with just a few ohs and the baby rushing out so quickly!

Jenny said...

Oh my goodness, that must be the most adorable show-and-tell story I have ever heard...

I am still giggling about the "umbrella cord"!

Magnificent post for the letter "M"...

Thanks for linking.


Kc W said...

Glad I came back and read this again! It is hysterical!


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